A look inside of our crazy lives as father/mother, husband/wife, and (perhaps our most interesting role of all)...juggling three kids while trying to keep our head above water!
I love the snow. Not necessarily in the "bundle-up-and-play-in-it" way, but the "sit-inside-and drink-cocoa" kind of way. I was so lucky to have that opportunity on Saturday when Blizzard 2009 hit Baltimore. We woke up to a Winter Wonderland! Hudson's first reaction? "Mess. Grami did it." We still don't know why he's blaming the snow on my mom, but he says it every time he looks outside. I had plans to bake cookies on Saturday, so the weather was perfect for that! Here are a few pics:The view in our alleyway
Saturday night clean up crews driving down our street
Hudson, not sure what to think
Catching snowflakes
Post snow runny nose, rosy cheeks and hot cocoa residueHadley stayed all bundled up inside with Mommy
Hudson wanted to go inside, but that didn't stop Daddy from building a snowman alone
We all have expectations about the way certain things will play out, especially significant life events. My expectations for last weekend were that Ryan's parents would get into town on Friday. Ryan and I would go to his work holiday party on Friday night. All day Saturday and Sunday, we would work on getting the house ready for baby. Things on that list included installing a car seat, packing a hospital bag, coming up with a plan in case baby arrives in the middle of the night (i.e. finding a babysitter for Hudson), and coming up with a girl's name we liked just in case. Well, as you already know, nothing went as planned! Here are a few things I wasn't expecting:
-To be angry with my husband as I'm going into labor -To be driving myself to the hospital -To not feel excitement from Ryan about the baby's imminent arrival -To not have a car seat installed -To not have a hospital bag packed -To not have a name picked -To not have a babysitter planned for Hudson -To not have a last minute to cherish alone time with Hudson -To not have Hudson visit me in the hospital -To not go into labor without pitocin -To not have Ryan present for my epidural -To not have any tearing after giving birth -To have a tiny baby -To have a little girl And most importantly....
-To none of this mattering.
I got so caught up in all of these details, that I lost sight of the larger picture that the things that matter were all accounted for: -That my husband was present for the baby's birth -That our families are willing to drop everything for us when we needed them -That I was healthy -That our baby was healthy -That we have one more child to share our hearts with And THAT is what's really important.
I've been itching to write this post for days now so that I can be sure to remember all of the details, but the chaos of the holidays and a new baby hasn't left me with much time to do much of anything. So, here it goes...this is everything that I can remember. (Warning: for those of you who know me, I like to tell stories with every detail possible, so you may want to take a minute, grab a drink, and kick your feet up because this is going to be a long one!)
Wednesday night, December 9th, was a nice evening. Joyce, our nanny, was off so I spent the day with Hudson. We went to Hoppin' Tots gym and then hung out at home. Ryan had a work dinner so we knew we wouldn't see him until late. It just so happened that one of my best friends from high school was in town for business, so Hudson and I had arranged to go to dinner with her and a coworker. Hudson was an angel for me all day and evening. He behaved at dinner and when we got home, he took a bath and went to bed with out too much of a fight. I set aside some time to do my Christmas cards after he was asleep. The night was flying by and when I looked at the clock, I realized it was 10:30p and I hadn't heard from Ryan. He had his work dinner at 6p and then was meeting up with a friend for a drink afterwards. I gave him a call, but it went right to voicemail. That's the ultimate fear of any worrywart like me...not being able to get in touch with my husband, especially while 9 months pregnant! So I told myself that I wouldn't panic until 11:30p if I didn't hear from him. Well, you guessed it - 11:30p rolls around and still no phone call. By now, Hudson had already woken up and I brought him to my bed to hopefully alleviate some of my fear. I just laid there and was thinking the worst - that something happened to Ryan. Why else would he not be home yet? Oh yeah, I should mention that he had to get up at 4a for work the next day so I knew that he wouldn't stay out too late. I'm already a worrier by nature, but then add to that the fact that we live in Baltimore where things like this happen (Zach Sowers was definitely on my mind as I was panicking), and I was a mess. I was trying to think about what I was going to do. I considered calling the restaurant where he was having dinner, but I was trying to not overreact. So I decided to send a text message to the wife of the friend he was meeting for drinks. I decided to just ask her if she's heard from her husband since I couldn't get in touch with Ryan. I waited to hear back from her, but I figured she may already be in bed. Next, I decided that I would put Hudson in the car and drive around Fells Point, looking for Ryan's car if I didn't hear from him by 12a. Well, 12a rolls around and I decide to call Ryan one more time.....and he answers! He said he was driving home and that his phone was dead (since he was in his car now he was able to charge it). I told him that I was worried like crazy and what would I have done if I had gone into labor?!?! Little did I know what was coming....
I laid in bed, furious. Ryan got home, brushed his teeth, and got into bed without saying anything and fell asleep. I decided that I should pee (again) before going to sleep even though I felt like I already had a little (lots of leaky fluids these days, so I wasn't surprised). I went to the bathroom and noticed that my underwear were a little wet. I didn't think much of it until after I peed and stood up and left another tiny leak. I walked downstairs to check my "things to watch for" sheet from the doctor and "Leaking fluids - trickles or gushes" was listed. So I decided to call labor and delivery, especially since I had a little leakage of mucus the day before. The doctor asked if I thought my water had broken and I honestly told her that I had no idea. Nothing was gushing (which I expected). She told me that it didn't have to gush, but that it could be a gradual, continual leak. So I told her that I wasn't coming in unless the leakage continued. I walked back upstairs and proceeded to change my underwear 3 or 4 more times before I decided that I was going to the hospital. Still angry, I woke Ryan up and told him that I was going to the hospital. He groggily nodded and went back to sleep. I started to get dressed and he asked what I was doing (talking to someone half asleep after they had been drinking was not something that I wanted to be doing). I told him (again) that I was going to the hospital. He stumbled out of bed to watch me brush my hair and get dressed. He hugged me and told me to call once I knew anything and that he was going to have the phone next to him. So I called my mom and his mom to give them the warning and off I went to Hopkins.
As I drove there, I had some time to myself to think. I was willing myself not to cry. Deep down, I knew 100% that this was it. But I kept forcing myself to say I was just going in to get checked to be safe and that I would be headed home soon. I turned on some Christmas music to take my mind off of these events. "Last Christmas" by Wham was just finishing and the next song was "Christmas Shoes". Obviously I turned off the radio and let my mind race. "Could this really be happening?!?" "I'm not ready!" "Why didn't Ryan seemed concerned - how was he able to just go back to sleep?" "Was I really driving myself to the hospital, alone?" I must have driven around the hospital about 5 times before I decided to park. I told myself that I was just looking for a good and safe parking spot (Hopkins is not in the best part of town and it was 1:30am), but I think I was really trying to compose myself and prepare for what the doctors were about to tell me.
After I gave the receptionist my information, she started to walk me back to my room. There was a family sitting in the waiting room and I could just feel their pitiful eyes on me. "Look at this poor girl, all alone, with just her purse and a beach towel to sit on" they said. I really started to feel sorry for myself. I got checked in and changed and looked at the clock. It was 1:45a. By 2:15a, a doctor came in to do an exam. He was an ER resident (not an OB) so his exam was downright cruel. It hurt so bad that I had a hard time holding myself together. He told me that there were 3 different tests to determine if in fact my water did break. The first two suggested that it did, but they were prone to false positives. The most conclusive was an examination of the fluid under the microscope. He left the room to do that and I asked him to hurry with results in case I needed to call my in-laws to drive down from NJ to be with Hudson so Ryan could make it to the hospital. At that point, despite the results not being known, I knew that I was in labor. I called Ryan to let him know that 1. I got to the hospital safely (seriously, this is not a great part of town) and 2. that I was most likely in labor. Since he was going to sleep with the phone next to him and since I assumed that he was anxiously awaiting to hear from me, I figured that he would answer quickly. Nope. After 28 rings he finally picked up and I exploded in tears. How could he be in such a deep sleep when he knew that I was headed to the hospital?!? I had a brief conversation with him and he was off to call his parents. I was off to cry.
At this point, I was an absolute emotional mess. I tried to hold myself together, but I just couldn't. I started to think about Hudson and how I didn't kiss him goodbye and have one last moment with just the two of us. I was thinking about being alone in the hospital. About the lack of enthusiasm I felt from my husband and how that made me so sad for baby #2. About how I wasn't ready for the baby. My nurse came in and asked if I was okay. I told her I was just really emotional and sad to be alone. She was a doll and stayed with me and talked to me to keep my mind off of things. She got me ready to move my my delivery room (room #8 - the same room I delivered Hudson in!). The doctors agreed to not start pitocin until Ryan arrived. Since I spoke to him around 2:45a, I estimated that his parents would be in town by 6a. So I just chatted with the nurse until he arrived.
When he walked in, I burst into tears once again. I explained everything that I was feeling. In addition to everything I listed, my nurse told me that no one under the age of 16 was allowed to visit due to H1N1 concerns. I didn't think anything of it at first...until I realized that Hudson fell into this category. He wouldn't be able to meet his brother or sister. I wouldn't see him for at least two days. And I didn't even kiss him goodbye! I was a mess. Poor Ryan didn't know what to do or say.
For the next few hours, I was okay if I just didn't let my mind wander too far. I was given my pitocin at 8:45am. Things didn't really progress until about 12p. I started to feel the contractions. Learning from my last delivery, I knew that I shouldn't wait until they were really painful to ask for the epidural (since it takes a while for the doctors to administer it). So I asked for it. They told me that Ryan was going to have to leave the room since they've had many dads passing out during the epidural insertion. I have this weird phobia about my spine being touched, so I really wanted him there, but they wouldn't allow it. I sat up to prepare for the epidural and got really light headed. I began to get muffled hearing, so I knew I was going to pass out. They had me lay down and the anesthesiologist left the room (apparently she was upset that her patient wasn't actually ready). I'm trying to tell myself to hold it together because I needed the pain meds! I told them that I was ready to try again, but they were worried since my blood pressure was so low (88 over 55). The epidural also dilates the blood vessels and thus drops the blood pressure even more. They waited a while (as my pain was getting worse) and finally attempted the epidural again. As they were prepping my back, I got an awful contraction and the blood pressure cuff was tightening around my arm. I was getting light headed again, but willed myself to be strong since I need the meds! Finally the epi was in and Ryan was back in the room!
Because they were worried about the drop in blood pressure, they decided to administer the pain medication very slowly which meant I still had lots of pain, particularly on the lower left side. I was on a temporary drip of medication until they ensured that my blood pressure was safe. Just as this began to wear off, our moms arrived around 3pm. I was resting, unable to really move or talk. Ryan has some great footage of me just bundled up, still and silent. I felt like I could pass out if I moved, so I just stayed in one spot. During this time, Ryan and our moms tried to name our child after a Steeler in honor of that night's game against the Browns (this is on the video).
I finally began to feel better and was able to sit up and start talking around 4pm. The nurses asked if I had pressure and I did, but it was way up high in my ribs. We guessed that baby was kicking his/her way out :) The nurses checked me and the baby's head was at +3. They asked if I wanted to start to push and I said sure. I wasn't feeling pain, so why not? We did 3 counts of 10 breaths and the nurse told me to stop. The baby was coming! They had to call Dr. Wheeler and another doctor in. The docs prepped their table and got their scrubs on. They had me push for another 4 or 5 sets of 10 breaths. At 4:45p, as the baby came out, they held the legs closed and gave Ryan the scissors to cut the cord. Then they handed baby to me so that I could hold him/her up and shout out boy or girl. As the baby is handed to me, I'm fully expecting to see a penis. Instead I see...well...I didn't know what I saw. I couldn't tell if it was a scrotum or a swollen labia! So I hestiated for a second until I realized that there was no penis. A GIRL!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Everyone was in shock. Our moms burst into tears (there are zero girls in Ryan's family, so this was a big deal). They placed her on my chest and we had the best skin-to-skin bonding. She began to nurse. It was wonderful. The nurses said that they like to give the mom and baby as much skin-to-skin time as possible before taking measurements and doing the bath. So, for an hour, we all sat there amazed that we had our little girl. She looked little and we all made guess as to her weight and length. While she seemed little to me, I was trying to think back to Hudson (who was 7 pounds, 7 ounces) and I thought she was similar, so I guessed 7 pounds, 2 ounces. I was wrong! She was 6 pounds, 3 ounces and 18" long....where did this little peanut come from?!?
As for me, I was feeling GREAT! I only pushed for 11 minutes (although close to 5 of those minutes were spent waiting for the doctors to do their prep). I had no tearing. It was amazing how different that was compared to Hudson's birth. I was able to move around with no problems.
We moved to my recovery room (room 372) and Ryan and I were just head over heels. We were still in so much shock over having a little girl. I know I've stated this before, but I was convinced that I was having a boy because: -According to the Shettles method, the baby was conceived on an ovulation day that would predict boy -My pregnancy was very similar to my first -My belly looked the same as it did with Hudson -Similar weight gain (50 lbs with Hudson, 54 this time) -There are no girls in Ryan's family -Lastly, I convinced myself it was a boy so that I wouldn't get my hopes up of a girl (Some other random similarities between the pregnancies, unrelated to the sex, were that the weekend before both kids were born is when I decided to bake tons of cookies and that both kids were born right after/during a Steeler/Browns game. Looks like I have some signs to look for in case we have another one!).
While we had a boy's name picked out (Tyson Miller), we only had a list of girl names that we hadn't decided on. The list included: Harper Hadley Harlow Kensington (Kensi) London
In early September, we fell in love with the name London and were sure that we would use it if we had a girl. But as I became more convinced of having a boy, we didn't really talk about it much more. Now, it didn't have the same appeal. Hadley just sounded right. As for a middle name, Grace just came out of no where. We never mentioned middle names before we were in the hospital. I was walking out of the bathroom while Ryan was holding the baby and we talked about using Ann (since it's both of our moms' middle name). I kept saying it over and over and it just didn't flow. All of a sudden, I was like, what about Grace? I liked the way it sounded and I also liked that it serves as a reminder of God's grace in our little girl. And so, Hadley Grace was it!
And if that novel wasn't enough, here's a little video that Ryan created of Hadley's entrance into the world. (Despite my appearance on this video, I'm posting for Hadley's sake. The announcement of her being a girl is the best part - I was CLEARLY surprised!)
This post is just going to be a bunch of rambling because, well, I need to get some things off of my chest.
I have been completely MIA from my blog lately and it makes me really sad. I don't know what it is (although I am blaming pregnancy hormones), but I'm just unmotivated and uninspired to do my "Mommy keepsake duties". On Hudson's 2nd birthday, I sat on the couch after he went to bed, with my laptop, fully intending to write a nice post like I did on his first birthday. But the words just wouldn't come to me. I was having a hard time recalling the past year, struggling to write anything backed with emotion. So I gave up and haven't been back since. And now I'm here today to try to ease some of my guilt and hopefully blog forward.
One of my biggest fears in life (right under losing Ryan or Hudson) is regret. Sometimes it actually consumes me. It's what kept me going through all of the journals, keepsakes, pictures, etc of Hudson's life. But once I got pregnant, alot of that began to slip. I haven't been documenting what Hudson has been up to and I'm so afraid of regretting this in the future. I have very few videos of him. I stopped keeping up with his baby book sometime last spring. I can barely keep up with this blog. What's even worse, is that baby #2 has gotten an even worse deal. I don't think I've written in my pregnancy journal for about 3-4 months. Again, it saddens me so much to think about looking back to this time period and not having anything documented - from the superficial stuff like my weight gain (although I'm not sure I want to remember that!) to the emotional aspect of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy. Yet it's not enough to kick me in the butt and actually do it. I've found that what used to be enjoyable has now turned into a burden for me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the 1000 other things on my daily to do list. Whatever it is, I hope it leaves soon.
Sorry for the long rant. If you got this far, thanks for listening. I've been feeling a bit down about things lately (which is very odd since I have so many blessings in my life and everything is going really well). I'm just starting to panic about having two kids, worrying that Hudson's life is going to change so much. I was feeding him last night and just started to cry thinking about how much I'll miss all of our one-on-one time. Oh great, here come the waterworks again. I keep reminding myself that he's going to love being a big brother and that his life is only going to change for the better, but I just can't help but think there are going to be times that he's going to miss his alone time with Mommy and Daddy.
Okay, I'm a blubbering mess now. Hopefully writing this post is cathartic which was my goal. I thought maybe if I put this all out there, that I could move on and post something fun, like pics of Hudson's birthday or our last trip to Pittsburgh. These feelings have been weighing on me for a while now and I'm having a difficult time trying to process everything. Praying that things start to get better.
I've really been wanting to post about Hudson's development for a while and just haven't found the time thanks to this out of control nesting instinct that has kicked in (just as an aside...where did this come from?!? I've already cleaned and reorganized our closets, built the crib and dresser (well, made Ryan build the crib and dresser...), and rearranged the furniture in our house. The baby isn't even due for 9 more weeks, but I'm OBSESSED with getting this house ready). Anyways, Hudson is blowing us away with his development and his cuteness.
-I've been really wanting to post the video of this, but I can't figure out how to shorten it. Hudson's most exciting accomplishment lately has been spelling his name! For a while, he would see an 'H' and say 'H - Hudson'. On Oct. 2nd, I was sitting on the couch with him and he just looked at me and said "H-u-d-s-o-n". I was in total shock! I made Ryan run in and see if we could have him do it again and did. Then he would do it all the time (in a cheerleader voice H-u-d, S-o-n). Our nanny would tell him to tell another kid his name at the park and he would just spell it. We didn't teach him this, but we just write his name alot when we draw. Apparently he was paying attention!
- He can count to 10 (this isn't new though)
- He knows all of his colors
- He knows most of his letters, but just not in order. If you point to a "Q", he'll say "Q", but he can't say his ABCs yet.
- He knows most of his shapes.
- He LOVES to hug and kiss the cats. Thankfully, they allow this
- "Oh dear" has been replaced with "Oh Gosh!" in his vocabulary. Between this phrase and his hair style, I'm not totally convinced that he isn't 89 years old!
- He walks up and down the stairs. No more scooching down on his bum!
- Sometimes when we wants Ryan's attention, instead of saying "DAD!", he'll say "RYAN!". It cracks me up!
- Since his language is picking up, we need to watch what we say. Ryan and I don't usually ever swear (unless we're watching a Steeler game!), but I do say "Oh crap!". Unfortunately, now Hudson does too.
- He likes this new soap that my mom bought him. He opens it in the tub, sniffs it, and says "Mmmmm...good!" (It's coconut scented). I have a video of this too, but just need to get it uploaded.
- When he farts, he says "toot!". Then we have to remind him to also say "Excuse me".
- He has different voices when he's talking about something big and something little. If it's big, he'll say "BIIIIIIIG truck!" and when it's little he'll whisper in a high pitched voice "little truck".
- When he's really excited over something you're about to give him, he immediately says "thank you!". Most other times you have to remind me to say it.
- Nothing much new with sleeping or eating. He still wakes up about 2 times a night. And he still eats nothing much more than crackers and yogurt.
- Some of his favorite toys are: legos (yes, the real little kind that our nanny accidentally bought him while he was sick. Some of the pieces are the size of a tic tac!), balloons and balls (to kick), crayons/things to draw with.
- Some of his favorite books are: Bounce One Baby (which he calls "Baby Jump"), Bathe One Baby, any Spot book, Peekaboo Blueberry, I love you through and through, Goodnight Moon (where he loves to point out the "firetruck", aka fire place).
I'm sure there's so much more that he's doing, but it's slipping my mind as I think about cleaning our garage....
I can't believe I actually had to type that. Hudson, who has yet to really have any type of illness, was diagnosed with H1N1 yesterday. I've gotten lots of emails and facebook messages from people asking about how I knew he had it, how he's being treated, etc., so I thought I would share all of my newly learned H1N1 knowledge to educate all of the other moms out there worried about this virus. (Warning: this is going to be pretty long).
So, I guess it really all started Saturday morning. We were in Pittsburgh visiting my family. My little brother Joey, who is 14, was saying that he wasn't feeling well. He really napped all day and ended up having a fever. We actually didn't see him for much of the weekend after Saturday morning since he was laid up in bed. The entire house (my mom, stepdad, other brother, myself, and Ryan) were extremely vigilant about germ control. Anything that Joey touched (blankets, pillows, etc) went straight to the wash. We had bottles of Purrell all over the house. In addition to Hudson, my 10 month old niece was also there, so we were trying to protect them.
On Monday, Hudson had some diaherra before we left Pittsburgh. We leave at his nap time and he usually sleeps for the entire trip. But this time, he woke up at Breezewood (almost the half way point) and was saying "belly hurt". When we got home, he seemed fine. On Tuesday, he was fine other than his lack of appetite. He also had a mild cough. At midnight, he woke up and Ryan went to lay him back down (this is an everynight occurance...he never sleeps all night). Ryan brought him into our room and asked me to feel if I thought he felt warm. He was definitely running a fever. I didn't want to take his diaper off, so I just checked his temperature under his arm. It was 100.7. He was coughing more and more and it was really raspy. I started to get freaked out (remember, he's never been sick), so I called the on call pediatrician. She was clearly unhappy about my anxiety. I explained that I was worried since we have two high risk people in the house (Hudson, for being under 2, and me, for being pregnant). She said that 100.7 is barely a fever and if he's breathing okay, there's nothing to worry about (easier said than done!). The rest of the night was spent trying to comfort him and worrying.
On Wednesday morning, he was burning up and I took his temperature rectally. It was 103. He was really lethargic. I called the pediatrician again and spoke with the nurse practitioner. She told me that this is just something going around and to make sure that he doesn't have 1. rapid breathing 2. lack of thirst or 3. a temperature above 104. I mentioned again that I was pregnant and asked if I should take precautions. She recommended calling my OB since many pregnant women were being treated with Tamiflu.
So I called my OB who was APPALLED that the pedi didn't test Hudson for H1N1. She said that it was important to know for my well-being as well as his. She was calling me a prescription for Tamiflu in and told me that if I started to feel sick at all to start taking it. I told her I would call the pediatrician back and ask them to test him. We were able to get an appointment for that afternoon.
Before leaving for his appointment, he was burning up and was due for another dose of motrin (which had been helping tremendously). But I decided to let the doctor see him and then I would give him the motrin. When we got there, his temperature was 104.4. The doctor checked his lungs, ears, and nose and said everything else looked okay. She explained that she was going to give him the rapid flu test which only tests whether or not he has influenza and does not differentiate between the different types (i.e. it wouldn't tell us if he had H1N1 or another kind). That said, she explained that any positive rapid test is assumed to be positive for H1N1 since it's too early in the season for the other flus to be presenting themselves. The test for H1N1 takes 4 days to provide results at which point it would be too late for either of us to begin Tamiflu. She then did the rapid test which is a swab WAY up into Hudson's nose. Within 5 minutes she came back and said it was positive. She was going to write Hudson a prescription for Tamiflu, but explained that it could be hard to find at a pharmacy since Hudson would need a liquid form which was a bit rare.
After calling around to a few places, we were able to find it at Hopkins. They closed in an hour, so I rushed out to get it for him. Well, I get to the pharmacy and realized that I forgot the prescription at home. So I called the on duty pediatrician and explained the situation and asked her to call the prescription in while I waited. She asked if Hudson had asthma and I told her no. She asked why his doctor prescribed Tamiflu then. She said Tamiflu was reserved for patients with compromised immune systems and that they weren't just giving it to any child who had flu symptoms. I told her I was pregnant and she said that was why it was prescribed. I couldn't believe that Hudson would be left to suffer had I not been pregnant!
I called my OB back and told her that Hudson's test was positive and she said that it was best for me to start Tamifu right away. So, I got the Tamiflu for both Hudson and myself. Since Hudson has the flu, he will take it twice a day for 5 days. Since I've only been exposed, I will take it once a day for 10 days. It was pretty amazing to see how all of the doctors were really more concerned with me than with Hudson (and I wasn't even sick!). Of course, it made me nervous, but also relieved. I would rather it be me who was at risk than Hudson.
Last night was another rough night. Hudson still had a fever and was really congested with a nasty cough. He's been sleeping all night in our arms since he needs to be upright or else he gets too congested. Of course, I'm exhausted now which isn't helping the whole prevention of me getting sick. I've been coughing more and more and feel like I have chest/back pains. I go to the OB tomorrow, so I'll be checked then.
I just wanted to put the whole story out there so that other people can understand what symptoms to look for and why their doctor may not test/treat the flu. We're all praying that this passes soon.
....for not letting you know that we all survived the weekend apart!
Friday morning, Ryan and I were doing some last minute packing, relaxing, and enjoying a Starbucks. We were planning on leaving as soon as we got everything together. We were ready around 11:30am. I was so excited about the trip that I wasn't even dreading saying goodbye to Hudson. When the time came to leave, he told us "buh bye" and waved, gave hugs and kisses, and we left. There were no tears (from me or Hudson!).
Ryan and I had a fantastic time in Cape May. We spent LOTS of time by the pool, reading. The beach was a little too windy. Plus the hotel had an "adult pool" which was basically a large bath tub - the water was SO warm. In addition to relaxing, we ate....TONS. On Friday night we hit up Martini Beach for dinner. On Saturday, we went to Mad Batter and 410 Bank St. On Sunday, we went to George's and The Ebbitt Room (where we also celebrated our engagement 5 years ago). We did a little shopping and some walking on the beach. We watched our beloved Steelers hand a game over to the Bungles, which was all the less exciting given that we were watching the game with a deaf Bungles fan who kept shouting things at us even though we couldn't understand him. We were lucky to be joined by another Steelers couple....who happened to be Carnegie Tech grads! Small world!
On Saturday afternoon, I asked Ryan "is it bad that I'm not missing Hudson?". I mean, being able to dictate your own wake up time (which, unfortunately, was still 5 or 6a), eat a warm meal in a restaurant, have adult conversation, and relax is pretty easy to get used to! By Sunday night though, we were at dinner talking about how we missed Hudson and I finally broke down and started to cry. I was quite proud of myself for making it that long!
Hudson, on the other hand, didn't seem to realize we were gone! Mom Mom and Pop Pop kept him busy. Much to my relief, he didn't even ask for us until Sunday. One of the best parts about leaving him was that the return trip was so much more exciting. Usually, you're bummed when you leave vacation. But this time, I was so excited to come home and see him. Hudson, however, did not feel the same way. He was napping when we got home. I ran to the store and he woke up while I was gone. Ryan was holding him and when I came up to say hello, he started to scream and cry. I couldn't even look at him without him shouting "No!". Apparently, our cats taught him their lesson of being mad at Mommy and Daddy when we leave. It wasn't until Monday night that Hudson allowed me to hold him. Of course, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm, but it was better than him crying for us while we were gone.
Here are a few pics from the trip:The Congress Hall Hotel
The view from the pool
Me and my belly on the beach
Posing at the spot where Ryan proposed 5 years ago
Well, the weekend is finally here. My wonderful husband surprised me with a weekend trip to Cape May as a birthday gift. Cape May holds a special place in our hearts because that's where Ryan proposed and we had a big celebration with both of our families. So there's a lot of emotion attached to the destination, making it the perfect place for us to go away together. I'm obviously thrilled to go back, have some one-on-one time to connect with my husband, and do what all moms dream about....relax.
However, this is our first overnight trip without Hudson. It's been 682 days since that little monkey arrived in our lives and, every one of those nights, I have spent with him. Ryan has gone away for various trips since Hudson's birth, but I have never once left him over night. This is probably the point in the post that most readers are thinking "wow, lady, it's time to cut the cord". The truth is that I was nursing for so long (19 months) that the thought of leaving him overnight and needing to pump sounded less than appealing. In addition, I refused to subject anyone else to Hudson's middle of the night antics, which include crying and needing to be held, often once an hour. But we have gotten to a point where Hudson is sleeping better (not all night, but not waking every hour either). And I have gotten to a point, as a mother, where I feel like I'm ready to take that step. So I have overcome my previous fears (of pumping and of Hudson not sleeping), but there's one fear that's still lingering...the thought of Hudson missing us.
I know I'm overthinking this. In fact, when Ryan and I talk about this weekend, he's not afraid of how Hudson will do, but rather afraid of how much he's going to miss Hudson. Sure, I'll miss him too, but I know that I need a break and am looking forward to things like nice dinners with adult conversation and quiet time to read on the beach without disruptions. At the same time, it breaks my heart to think of Hudson asking for me or Ryan and wondering where his Mommy and Daddy are. Even more heart wrenching is the thought of him wondering if we're coming back.
Hudson will be in great hands this weekend. I know that he's going to love spending time with his Mom Mom and Pop Pop. I know that he's going to be adored, loved, and, most likely, spoiled. That has made this weekend much more palatable. In fact, I hope that we come home and Hudson had so much fun that he didn't miss us at all. I know that would crush most parents, but it would provide me with so much relief to know that we were actually forgotten about for 3 days.
While I'm feeling a little sad and nervous about Hudson's reaction over this trip, I'm also excited and giddy about having but a snapshot of my previous life back. While I would never trade my title of "Mommy" in for anything, it's going to be wonderful to remember what it was like when that wasn't my only identity.
Since my little guy turned 22 months (sniff!) I thought I'd post some updates on what he's getting into these days....
He LOVES to kick. He will just kick a ball for hours. (During which time he'll also usually "Run. Fast!"). He loves to kick it really hard and say "BIIIIIIIG KICK!", while sticking his tongue out: He's grown found of Sesame Street. He'll just sit on the couch and watch an entire episode: One of his favorite things to do on the deck is to use chalk. Sometimes, he gets carried away:He has learned to completely milk every boo boo. In his best old lady voice, he'll say "Oooooooooooh........boo boo.......kiss". Sometimes he also says "Fall. Sorry." (He knows that he's supposed to say sorry if he hurts someone, so he says sorry every time he hurts himself too - it's so freakin' cute!). Here's him complaining about a boo boo:
While I don't have a picture, I think this is still deserving of some blog time - Hudson used the potty yesterday! I was changing him and he started to pee a little. I asked him if he wanted to go on the potty and he said "potty". So I took him in the bathroom and sat him down on the big potty and he went! We did alot of cheering and dancing, so I think he was pretty excited too. He went again before bed.
He's OBSESSED with sharing. While that sounds like a good thing, his idea of sharing isn't what you may have had in mind. He'll say "share" and try to give the other kid what ever he has just so that he can get what the kid has. In other words, he means "share...with me!". In addition, he says "share" over and over and over again....
He is becoming a Mama's boy. He constantly says "Mama hold" and wants me to pick him up and cuddle. He's always kissing me and hugging me. His favorite is a "BIIIIIG HUG" (as he calls it), when he comes running at me with open arms.
As for his sleep, well, let's just say that it's old news. Still takes forever to get him down at night and still wakes up throughout the night. We've gotten into the habit of bringing him into our bed since we're just so tired, but that has to stop before baby #2 comes! We used to be able to hold his hand until he fell asleep, but now he stands up and asks "Momma, hold baby" and he wants me to hold him like a baby and rock him. How could I deny that?!?!
After Hudson arrived, I realized that there were so many things that no one tells you about motherhood. Many of these things are just errors of omission, like how you can NEVER throw bibs (with velcro) in with your other laundry unless you want to snag every last article of clothing in the washer. Others are just indescribable, left to be experienced first hand by each mother, like the amount of love and protection you have for your child. Late one night while we were in NJ, Hudson was having another sleepless night (big surprise) and as I was walking him around the bedroom to lull him back to sleep, I began to revisit these thoughts. But this time, I was thinking about the things that no one tells you about your second pregnancy.
I LOVED being pregnant with Hudson. Sure, I wasn't so fond of the heartburn, but otherwise, it was pure bliss. I adored my big belly. I welcomed 50 pounds onto my body with open arms (when my prior attitude was to groan at gaining 2 pounds). I cherished every little kick and movement that I felt from within. I could sit there for hours just watching my stomach wave and roll, amazed by the life that was growing inside of me. I dutifully recorded every stage of pregnancy through weekly belly pictures and multiple letters to Hudson in a journal. So, it's easy to imagine how excited I was about being pregnant again. Once Hudson turned 1, we decided that it was time to start trying for baby #2 and I was giddy with anticipation of another pregnancy. The problem is that no one told me how different it was going be. So for all of you mommies thinking about #2, let me fill you in on some of the changes....
1. This has been the hardest of all of the differences between pregnancy to deal with....I'm not as connected to this baby as I was to Hudson. When people ask if the baby is kicking alot, I just kinda shrug and say "yeah, I feel him* now and then". With Hudson, I could tell you how many kicks I felt in any given timeframe. When people ask how far along I am, I have to think and even then I'm still not sure that I know. With Hudson, I was constantly reminded of how many weeks I was since I was always getting weekly emails and reading books about each week of my pregnancy. My pregnancy with Hudson seemed to drag on, which left me ample time to bond with my growing baby. This pregnancy is going so quickly that I barely have had a minute to think about it. I feel like my relationship with baby #2 is already less formed than it was with Hudson.
2. Remember that maternal guilt I discussed in this post? Well, it has begun in utero this time around. I'm constantly feeling down on my self for all of my "shortcomings" with this pregnancy. I put shortcomings in quotes because these things would only be considered so by a perfectionist. I haven't really kept a baby book. I have barely taken any belly pictures. I don't read to this baby. I rarely use Thumper (which is this gimmicky baby learning system that I attached to my stomach for two hours each day and it plays thumping noises. With Hudson, I religiously attached that machine to my big belly each morning and each night. In fact, we went to a Steelers game in DC while I was pregnant with Hudson and I even brought Thumper with me so that I could wear it during the hour ride home). I focus so much of my time on Hudson that my bonding time with this baby is getting the short end of the stick. As I mentioned in point #1, I don't really feel bonded to this baby. Talk about feeling guilty!
3. I'm so lax about everything. Not just the baby book, belly pictures, and Thumper, but also with my health. During my pregnancy with Hudson, I worked out up until the day I delivered (literally, I had my workout clothes with me to go to the gym and I ended up going to labor and delivery instead!). I knew the ins and outs of every thing I was or wasn't supposed to eat. This pregnancy I can't even remember what those things are! Despite my fears of nitrates in lunch meats with pregnancy #1, I've found myself eating large quantities of turkey breast and salami (in fact, that was all I could tolerate during my first trimester) this time around. I have had multiple sips of wine and/or alcohol. I don't even ask if cheeses are pasteurized or if the caesar dressing is made with raw eggs this pregnancy. I don't read books to this baby (I mean, he hears me when I read to Hudson, right?). Ryan has also fallen victim to this lackadaisical parent syndrome. I don't think he's actually spoken to this baby, let alone read him stories and tell him how much he loves him
To ease my fears about how much of a disadvantage this baby is at compared to Hudson, I tried to create a list of advantages for this baby as I wondered around the dark room waiting for Hudson to fall back to sleep.
1. This baby will have "experienced" parents. I kept going back and forth about whether this was actually good or bad. I mean, on one hand Ryan and I should know what we're doing by now and learned from any mistakes we made with Hudson. But on the other hand, some of those "mistakes" may have actually been beneficial for Hudson. Like how we never let him cry himself to sleep. We see it as a mistake now since Hudson requires us to sit there with him each night and possibly hold him. But maybe this was a bonding experience that we could possibly neglect baby #2 of. The jury is still out on whether this is advantageous, but I keep telling myself that we have had to learn something in these past 2 years that will help baby #2! The one thing that I keep coming back to is breastfeeding. After 19 months, I should be a seasoned pro and a great teacher for my new little one.
2. The aforementioned tasks of recording everything in a journal, taking belly pictures, etc. has to come at cost....stress. This baby will not be exposed to the anxiety over whether or not that feta I just ate was pasteurized.
3. Probably the most important thing is that that this baby has another person who is going to love him like no one else can....his big brother.
*Since I think this baby is a boy, I'm going to use the masculine pronoun thoughout this post. But believe me, I don't know anything about this baby's gender!
Thanks to my wonderful husband. He planned yet another surprise for me this past week. We went to NJ to visit his family for the week and my family was set to come out from Pgh. My in-laws have a great house near the shore. In addition to being so close to the beach, they have a pool, hot tub, and volleyball court all in their backyard, so we planned for this to be our summer vacation. Ryan and I were so excited to get both of our families together for the week (that's always a good time...especially when martinis are involved....). Plus we were going to have multiple sets of babysitters just itching for alone time with Hudson. We got there on Friday afternoon and my family was set to arrive on Saturday afternoon. On Saturday morning, Ryan asked if I wanted to go see a movie, so Ryan, Kevin (my brother-in-law) and I went to see Inglourious Basterds (which was great, by the way. Oh yeah, and that's not my spelling error...that's actually the title). I knew that my mom, step-dad, and aunt would be at the house when we got back. When I walked in, I was a little surprised by the decorations and the fact that they were all wearing leis. I thought it was weird that my father-in-law was taking pictures of me. Well, out of nowhere jumped my brother, his little girl, my uncle, his girlfriend, (all from Pgh) my best friend from high school, her husband, her daughter, and my best friend from college (all in from NYC)!!! My thoughtful hubby planned a surprise party for me! Later that evening, our good friends from Virginia also arrived. They drove up from VA just for the party and headed back that evening. Talk about awesome friends! (Oh and they did those 10 hours of driving with a 2 year old and a 2 week old!).
This party was yet another reminder of all of the blessings in my life. Having people go out of their way for me (by party planning and/or traveling) touched me so deeply. So, to everyone involved, especially my loving husband, thanks for making this birthday one of the best!
Here are a few pics from the party:
As we're packing the car, I walk downstairs to find Hudson like this...lying in his folded stroller.
My yummy cake that traveled from Pittsburgh - it's not a birthday without Giant Eagle cake!
Walking in and asking why they all had on leis
SURPRISE! Note the hand on my head
Getting filled in on all of the lies
Posing with my yummy cake (complete with Steeler helmets)
Hudson being a mack and being fed strawberries by Layla
After all of the worrying and the tears, this is what I woke up to today:Well, that and an adorable toddler insanely happy over the abundance of balloons, a loving husband, and a dozen of red roses. The day only got better as I had a spa date with a massage, manicure, and pedicure, followed by a (child-less) dinner out at Ruth's Chris. My husband took care of the details (making reservations, arranging for a sitter, etc). As if that wasn't enough, he gave me a card in the car and explained that my gift was a weekend away at the Congress Hall Hotel in Cape May, NJ with an oceanview room at the end of September. Later at dinner, I told him that he really shouldn't have and he went into an explanation for his motives, expressing how grateful he was for all that I do for him and for Hudson and for all of my patience with his long work hours. I just stared at him in amazement. Is he for real??? And is he really mine???? How did I get so lucky?
I've been meaning to write a post for days now to sing Ryan's praises and I think now is an opportune moment. What he did for me today was something that I'm so grateful for. Had he stopped with the balloons and roses, I would have been head over heels (he knows that I love balloons and flowers, yet he never gets them for me, so it was the thought behind the gesture that left me speechless). But Ryan's actions today are but a small glimpse into the wonderful soul that he is.
The real reason that I wanted to write a post for him was more about the way he treats Hudson. He is a better father than I could have imagined. He never bats an eye at parenting responsibilities. He never shies away from the challenges. He has more patience than I thought one person could possess. But above all of that, he wants to do these things. He gets home from work and rushes to be Hudson's play mate. If Hudson wants to go to the park (which is a given), he takes him. Not only will he take him, he will tell me how much it melts his heart to have Hudson lead him to the door and hand him his shoes. The love that pours out of his voice is something that can't be put into words. He successfully balances the demands of his career with making sure that his priority is his family. He apologizes when he can't help around the house and makes every effort to split our chores. He recognizes the importance of discussing key aspects to our parenting and to our relationship, such as how to approach religion with Hudson. In fact, his generous gift of a weekend away speaks to his attention to the needs of our relationship as husband and wife. He realized that we were getting burned out and needed some time to focus on us. In short, he's unlike any man that I have ever met. And I count my blessings that he's mine. While my birthday was so special and everything that Ryan did for me exceeded any expectation that I had, I really want to thank him, not for today, but for every other day, when his partnership is in response to the daily routine rather than for a special occasion. Knowing that he is by my side, through thick and thin, in poopy diapers and vomit-soaked clothing, makes this new decade seem much more bearable. I love you Ry!
...and unfortunately, I'm talking about myself this time and not Hudson.
So, I turn 30 on Tuesday. The big 3-0. In just 4 more short days. I didn't really expect it to affect me as much as it is. I'm fully anticipating a Rachel Green birthday in the Friends episode titled "The one where they all turn thirty". Well, not so much the whole "being upset because I'm not married and I'm dating Tag who isn't cute at all", but more so the tears and the reassurance from friends.
I think most people are shocked when I tell them how much this is bothering me, but let me explain.....
See, after becoming a mom, I feel like I've lost myself. Or more adequately stated, I've become someone else. I used to be the girl who loved to get all dolled up in the newest and trendiest clothes and make-up, go out with friends, get drinks, and have a good time. It was a nice and selfish period. I did everything for myself and/or Ryan. Ever since Hudson arrived, that girl has disappeared and I miss her. Tremendously. This new girl is lucky if her hair is cut and her legs are shaved, let alone worried about if her clothes are in style. Heck, this new girl doesn't even know what types of clothes are in style. I feel like turning 30 will solidify that the old girl is gone forever.
The second reason I don't want to welcome this new decade is because, well, I LOVED my twenties. They were good to me. I was in college, having the time of my life. I turned 21. I moved across the country. I had my first real job. I bought my first car. I started grad school. I got engaged to my soulmate. I got married and had the wedding of my dreams. I traveled through Europe. I got pregnant. I had my first child. For most of my 20s, I was that old girl that I'm missing so much right now. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I celebrated so many firsts and milestones. I'm not ready to close that chapter of my life.
Turning 30 feels like the turning point of no longer being young and carefree, but rather being grown and responsible. Gone are the days of splurging on $200 jeans and staying out until 4am and here (to stay) are the days of paying mortgages and college funds. I'm having a hard time realizing the fun that is to come in this decade.
I admit, I feel silly even writing this stuff. I have a wonderful husband, a healthy son (and another on the way...well, maybe a daughter, but I think son), a loving family, amazing friends, and a beautiful home. I recognize all that I've been blessed with and don't mean to discount that at all. Maybe it's just the surge of pregnancy hormones or the fact that I have not slept for 8 straight hours in over two years (by the way, that's no exaggeration. There has not been one night that I've had uninterrupted sleep for 2+ years). Or maybe there is some justification in my feelings. Whatever it is, I hope that it takes it easy on me on Tuesday....
If you're 30, please leave me some comments about how great the decade is. I'm looking for some inspiration and hope.
I know I posted a teaser of an adorable video, but I can't get it to upload. I have to wait until my technical advisor (aka my husband) gets back from his business trip in California to assist. Check back soon....
I've really been wanting to have a long post with pictures of the last couple of months. We've had some great things to blog about (our trip to Maine, our friends coming to visit, all of Hudson's new words, etc), but I just haven't found the time to upload pictures. But, I HAD to post about his newest phrase because it's beyond cute. I'm warning you....you might pass out from cuteness overload!
On Sunday, Ryan and I hung out around the house with Hudson all day. It was raining in the morning, so it was a great lazy Sunday (after we went to get these donuts in our pajamas). Hudson was just playing around the house and anytime he would drop something or bump something he would say "Oh Dear!". Ryan and I were hysterical! In fact, I can't stop from laughing as I type this. Neither of us use this phrase, so we can only assume that he picked it up from Joyce (our nanny).
While I'm typing, I'll just add a few more cute things he did yesterday. For about the last week, he has started to say "pee-pee" and "poop" while pointing to his diaper. Most of the time, we noticed he was saying it after he did the deed, but we were happy to see him putting words with the action. We weren't planning on potty-training until after the baby is born, but he is starting to show signs of readiness, so we bought a potty yesterday. Sometimes he says "poop" and then farts, so I think he's getting there!
Lastly, I have this obsession with Fall right now. I just love the comfort of warm sweaters in the crisp Fall air, anything and everything pumpkin, yummy flavored lattes, and, of course, Steeler football!! The rainy weather yesterday had me particularly wishful that it were Fall, so as soon as we got back from getting donuts, I put on the NFL network. All day, we watched NFL highlights from last year (including the AFC championship game twice, the NFC championship game, and Superbowl XLIII). Hudson was so into it! He just sat on my lap and watched as we schooled him in Steeler football. He explained to him who Ben was and who the "bad guys" were (i.e. The Ravens). He kept saying "Kick!", but we tried to explain that punting wasn't good while we were on offense. He loves to cheer, although we have to make sure he doesn't cheer when the other team scores. He learned to shout "Dee-fense!" and most importantly, "HEEEEAAAAATTTTHHHH!".
I love Hudson, I really do. I do everything I can to give him what he needs and be there for him.
BUT... sometimes I like to indulge in a little video game playing on my iPhone. Apparently, Hudson's not too keen on my self-indulgance. As you can see in this picture (which was taken about 2 minutes after I started playing), he's doing everything he can to get my attention. I guess I need to re-evaluate my priorities as a parent. At least according to Hudson!
I know, I know... I'm a slacker blogger. At first I had a good excuse (working on my dissertation), but now my reasons for not blogging are not quite as convincing (watching SYTYCD, reading the Twilight series of book at any free moment, sleeping, etc.). Anyways, since Hudson is upstairs screaming his lungs out with Ryan, I thought I would try to do a quick update. (BTW - the screaming is due to our second round of sleep training. You may have followed our experience with the first round. We made progress, but then plateaued, and ultimately, regressed back to our starting point. This time around Hudson is on to us and REFUSES to go to sleep without us and continues to wake all through the night.)
So, before I get into the update, I just wanted to give another excuse (I know, I'm full of them!) for my lack of blogging. I guess I don't fully understand what the best blogging etiquette is. I know that I enjoy reading blogs when the updates include pictures, but uploading and adding pictures is the time consuming part that I dread. So I end up putting off posts (like Hudson's first airplane trip that was almost a month ago!). If blogging without pictures is appropriate, I'm sure I would do it more often. That said, I have absolutely no idea who reads this blog. My guess is that it is mainly just Hudson's grandparents, a few girls from the Nest with toddlers, and a few friends from high school and/or college. And since our parents and most of my friends receive monthly pictures (which I'm also slacking on...I promise that I'll be better once Edward and Bella are out of my life!), maybe pictures aren't necessary?
Anyways, I wanted to give a quick update about our crazy little monkey. Everyday I am just shocked by the things that he is doing. He pretty much will repeat any word you say to him and most of them sound like they should. I would try to post some the words that he actually knows, but there are just way too many now. There must be at least 100! It seemed to happen overnight! Some of my favorites are "sit" and "ice" which sound JUST like "shit" and "ass". He's obsessed with the color purple - you can point to any color and he'll say it's purple. But yet when he is pointing things out in his books, he'll point to something that's actually purple and say it correctly. So I think he knows his colors, but is just playing with us. Similarly, he's obsessed with the number 8...he treats it the same as purple. But yet if you count and pause between numbers he can sometimes fill in with the correct number. He knows a bunch of animal noises (our favorite is cat because he says "meeee" in a really high pitched voice), but over the last few days everything says "MOOOOOO!" because he knows you'll tickle him and say "nooooo!" He's started saying and signing "please" and "thank you" a bunch. He usually says it when prompting like "How do you ask?" or "What do you say now?", but just today he started to say thank you without a prompt. And, my favorite current trick, if you ask him where the baby is, he picks up my shirt and knocks on my stomach and says "Knock, knock baby".
And here's a runway pose in case posting pictures is a must.....
The 13th of each month leaves me a little weepy. It marks another month since Hudson's birth, leaving him less of an infant and more of a toddler than he was the day before. I don't know what it was about him turning 20 months (maybe it's that he's no longer in the "teens"?) that left me especially sentimental today. I don't think the pregnancy hormones are helping much either.
Regardless, I was walking Hudson to the park this evening after work (I don't really have a choice in this activity - as soon as our nanny leaves, Hudson is putting his shoes on, pointing downstairs, and saying "Park"). As I pushed the stroller, I looked down to see the little guy who's going to be a big brother in 5 short months. I can't really travel down that road right now because the thought of him with the baby just chokes me up with a joy that I can't begin to describe. I digress. I looked at this little boy, no longer a baby, and relived the past 20 months. Goosebumps covered my body as they are now. I thought of the excitement of delivering him, the pain and pleasure of breastfeeding, and of all his "firsts" which I recorded dutifully. The changes in Hudson are obvious. But then I began to consider the changes in me, those things that are not necessarily noticeable to the naked eye. And it struck me. No where (that I know of ) do we celebrate the "firsts" of Mommies.
In particular, the "first" that I was thinking of was the first time that a mother recognizes that the "expert advice" is not what she needs to follow as a parent. In other words, the first time a Mommy realizes that she IS the expert for her child. This was a first that took me a long time to reach. I was focused on "doing the right thing" and fearing regret that I often forgot to consult my most informative document of all - Mommy intuition.
On a similar note, I started to think of the first time a Mommy learns to not let the guilt consume her. "Do I go to work and leave my child with a caregiver, breaking my attachment and trust with my child?" "Do I stay at home and run the risk of socially isolating my child from other children, sentencing him to a lifetime of solitude?" These are only two examples of the infinite sources of guilt of Mommies. This is a milestone that I still struggle with and I'm not sure I can honestly say I've accomplished a "first" in learning to let the guilt go.
Mommies also deserve recognition for the first time they realize that their relationship with their husband and their relationship with themselves requires the same nurturing and attention that is provided to their child. This first is one that I feel I JUST achieved. I am ready to take the plunge and leave Hudson overnight with someone. For the past 20 months, I have been with him every single night. No business trips, no girls' weekends, no romantic escapes. I am finally feeling comfortable enough to leave him and I'm proud to have finally gotten here.
I could go on and on about all of the wonderful things that Mommies do. With each of these "accomplishments", something inside of the mother changes. This psychological/spiritual/etc growth serves to better her as a mother and as a person. Before being a mother, I was naive to these changes. Twenty months later, I am overwhelmed by their impact.
Hudson and I have officially ended our nursing relationship as of June 9th. We had a good run filled with lots of cuddling and bonding time. I never anticipated nursing for 4 days shy of 19 months, but I wouldn't change a thing.
Looking back, it's interesting to think of the path I took to nurse. I was formula-fed as were my brothers. I was 15 when my mom had my younger brother, so I was old enough to remember the bottles and the formula. Naturally, I thought I would formula-feed my children too. But, the minute that second line appeared on the pregnancy test, the analyst in me began researching every little thing that I could. Breastfeeding happened to be one of them. Everything I read praised the benefits of breastfeeding: "Breastfed babies have higher IQs...", "Breastfed babies have fewer behavior problems...", "Breastfeeding is cheaper than formula-feeding..." The list went on and on. I was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing since, well, I'm pretty sensitive in that area and wasn't sure I was going to enjoy having a baby latched on. Won't it tickle? Won't it hurt? Can I be sure that I can watch my diet close enough to ensure good milk? My worries are too endless to list. In fact, if you went through my pregnancy with me, I'm sure you've heard about my nightmares related to breastfeeding (including my baby being born with teeth, me trying to nurse a kitten, etc).
Despite my concerns, I knew that I was still going to try to nurse. It felt too selfish of me to not. The only reasons that I could find against breastfeeding were ones that benefited me. "Breastfed babies don't sleep as long at night...", "Formula-feeding allows you to share responsibility with your husband...", "Breastfeeding is demanding on a mother..". As some of you know, I find it a challenge when people question my strength and determination to do something (why else would I have run a marathon or worked towards a PhD?!?). In fact, it has earned me the nickname "Heath" (after my boy Heath Miller). My point is that I accepted the challenges that breastfeeding would present. Why? Because it was best for my son. Little did I know, it was best for me too.
Our nursing relationship had a bit of a rocky start. Hudson was a bit jaudiced in the hospital. He had lost weight, but we were approved to leave 2 days later. As for me, my breasts were sore, tender, and bloody, as if I was marking myself with my first badge of honor as a mother. Our first few days home, I would cringe and my toes would curl in pain as he would latch on. But my son needed me and I was ready to do all I could do provide for him.
After our first pediatrician appointment a few days later, we were referred to a lactation consultant (LC) since Hudson hadn't regained his weight. I was so hopeful and grateful to have some one provide me with answers. I had watched the videos, read the books, and attended the classes...what was I doing wrong? Well, I was being a little too gentle. The LC showed me to really push Hudson's head to the breast. It didn't hurt!! I couldn't believe it. I wish I could say that small piece of advice solved our problems, but sadly I wasn't as good at being aggressive with his head when we got home. But we tried and we practiced and we cried and we consulted others and finally...we conquered. When Hudson was around 5 weeks old, nursing no longer hurt!! An accomplishment at last!
I should mention that without the support of my husband, the girls on the Nest, and the other new moms that I spent time with, I'm not sure I would have stuck this out. A great support network is imperative for any first time nursing mom.
But we weren't in the clear yet. I wasn't really prepared for growth spurts, i.e. periods of time when Hudson wanted to eat continuously. I vividly remember this one night...Hudson was up every 20 minutes or so...I was finally in tears telling Ryan that I don't think I can do it...that maybe it's time to break out the formula they gave us at the hospital. Ryan offered to get it, but before he got out of bed, I said "once we give him formula, there's no going back for me. I'm not sure I can be as dedicated to nursing if I know I have an alternative". Saying those words aloud was all I needed. I dutifully took my maternal butt out of bed and went to my "other bed" (the rocking chair). Ever since that moment, there was no turning back.
Throughout our nursing relationship, I loved that I could put Hudson to sleep anytime I wanted just by nursing him, that I could comfort him and make him stop crying by nursing, that I could share special moments with him each evening by nursing. On the other hand, I was starting to get worn down with being the sole provider of comfort (not that Ryan didn't try), that Hudson needed me to fall asleep, that I had trained Hudson to need to nurse to fall asleep. "It's okay", I would tell myself, "we just need to make it to 12 months".
For some unknown reason I had assumed that Hudson would turn one, fall madly in love with milk, and forget about this nursing gig. I couldn't have been more wrong! While I never actively tried to wean, I took a "don't offer, don't refuse" approach. Well, I didn't need to offer since Hudson made it clear when he wanted to nurse! It didn't help that he never took to milk (I tried cow's milk, goat's milk, soy milk, chocolate milk). So I felt obligated to ensure that he got the nutrients he needed.
At 15 months we decided that him waking up every hour all night wasn't working for us (not sure why it took that long to realize!), and we began to sleep train using the Sleep Lady method (see my sleep posts for references). This was great because it allowed Hudson to go to sleep without the breast. And this, I believe, is where the weaning process started.
We started to get down to 1-2 nursing sessions a day since we were no longer doing the night time one. So we would do morning and 5pm. The 5pm session fell off quickly and we were down to just the morning. Hudson would wake up early, Ryan would bring him into our bed and I would nurse him back to sleep for another hour. It was working until I got pregnant. Between nausea and exhaustion, I just couldn't do it. So I would cuddle him and he would put up a fight for a minute, but then he would find the "security mole" (the little mole I have on my breast that Hudson plays with to fall asleep) and calm down. We started this routine and gradually nursing faded out of our lives.
Last Tuesday, June 9th, is that last time I nursed Hudson. It was 4 days shy of his 19 month birthday. Leading up to that day, I would stare at him each time he nursed, realizing that it could be the last time. Sadly, I don't actually recall the details of our last nursing session, but I'll never forget the warmth of holding my little boy close to me, looking down and seeing his angel face, and wondering how I got so lucky.
I didn't mean to turn this into a recipe blog, but I've tried some really great things lately and want to share! I love the transition from "winter" to "summer" recipes! Bread salad with cranberries, spinach, and chicken This was yummy, but my complaint with all Cooking Light recipes is that they seem to take so long to make! The prep is pretty time-consuming (cubing and toasting bread, prepping the vinaigrette, etc. ). But this was delicious. The only change I made was that I drizzled the bread with a little olive oil and sprinkled some seasoning on before toasting. The fennel and coriander made a great rub for the chicken! I'll be making this again (and will be prepared for the 45 minute prep time).
Chicken orzo salad Can always count on Rachael Ray for an easy recipe! This was so yummy! In the magazine, the tip she gave was to shave the parmesan with a vegetable peeler. It worked really well. This will definitely be in our summer rotation.
Mango and brie quesadillas with black bean soup Due to my love of mango salsa, I thought I would try to incorporate it into a meal. So, I made my version of mango salsa and bought some whole wheat tortillas and spreadable brie. I put a little canola oil in a pan, heated, then put in a tortilla with brie spread on it. I spooned the mango salsa onto that tortilla and then topped it with another. I flipped it when the bottom was getting golden and crispy. I served it with this easy black bean soup. I didn't include the jalapeno since I don't do spicy food. I also thought I had couscous, but I didn't, so I threw in some quinoa. The soup was okay, but putting sour cream and chopped cilantro on top really made it taste great. Nice and easy!
The view in our alleyway
The view in our alleyway
Saturday night clean up crews driving down our street
Hudson, not sure what to think
Catching snowflakes
Post snow runny nose, rosy cheeks and hot cocoa residue
Hadley stayed all bundled up inside with Mommy
Hudson wanted to go inside, but that didn't stop Daddy from building a snowman alone
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