Mommy accomplishments

The 13th of each month leaves me a little weepy. It marks another month since Hudson's birth, leaving him less of an infant and more of a toddler than he was the day before. I don't know what it was about him turning 20 months (maybe it's that he's no longer in the "teens"?) that left me especially sentimental today. I don't think the pregnancy hormones are helping much either.

Regardless, I was walking Hudson to the park this evening after work (I don't really have a choice in this activity - as soon as our nanny leaves, Hudson is putting his shoes on, pointing downstairs, and saying "Park"). As I pushed the stroller, I looked down to see the little guy who's going to be a big brother in 5 short months. I can't really travel down that road right now because the thought of him with the baby just chokes me up with a joy that I can't begin to describe. I digress. I looked at this little boy, no longer a baby, and relived the past 20 months. Goosebumps covered my body as they are now. I thought of the excitement of delivering him, the pain and pleasure of breastfeeding, and of all his "firsts" which I recorded dutifully. The changes in Hudson are obvious. But then I began to consider the changes in me, those things that are not necessarily noticeable to the naked eye. And it struck me. No where (that I know of ) do we celebrate the "firsts" of Mommies.

In particular, the "first" that I was thinking of was the first time that a mother recognizes that the "expert advice" is not what she needs to follow as a parent. In other words, the first time a Mommy realizes that she IS the expert for her child. This was a first that took me a long time to reach. I was focused on "doing the right thing" and fearing regret that I often forgot to consult my most informative document of all - Mommy intuition.

On a similar note, I started to think of the first time a Mommy learns to not let the guilt consume her. "Do I go to work and leave my child with a caregiver, breaking my attachment and trust with my child?" "Do I stay at home and run the risk of socially isolating my child from other children, sentencing him to a lifetime of solitude?" These are only two examples of the infinite sources of guilt of Mommies. This is a milestone that I still struggle with and I'm not sure I can honestly say I've accomplished a "first" in learning to let the guilt go.

Mommies also deserve recognition for the first time they realize that their relationship with their husband and their relationship with themselves requires the same nurturing and attention that is provided to their child. This first is one that I feel I JUST achieved. I am ready to take the plunge and leave Hudson overnight with someone. For the past 20 months, I have been with him every single night. No business trips, no girls' weekends, no romantic escapes. I am finally feeling comfortable enough to leave him and I'm proud to have finally gotten here.

I could go on and on about all of the wonderful things that Mommies do. With each of these "accomplishments", something inside of the mother changes. This psychological/spiritual/etc growth serves to better her as a mother and as a person. Before being a mother, I was naive to these changes. Twenty months later, I am overwhelmed by their impact.