Mixed emotions

Well, the weekend is finally here. My wonderful husband surprised me with a weekend trip to Cape May as a birthday gift. Cape May holds a special place in our hearts because that's where Ryan proposed and we had a big celebration with both of our families. So there's a lot of emotion attached to the destination, making it the perfect place for us to go away together. I'm obviously thrilled to go back, have some one-on-one time to connect with my husband, and do what all moms dream about....relax.

However, this is our first overnight trip without Hudson. It's been 682 days since that little monkey arrived in our lives and, every one of those nights, I have spent with him. Ryan has gone away for various trips since Hudson's birth, but I have never once left him over night. This is probably the point in the post that most readers are thinking "wow, lady, it's time to cut the cord". The truth is that I was nursing for so long (19 months) that the thought of leaving him overnight and needing to pump sounded less than appealing. In addition, I refused to subject anyone else to Hudson's middle of the night antics, which include crying and needing to be held, often once an hour. But we have gotten to a point where Hudson is sleeping better (not all night, but not waking every hour either). And I have gotten to a point, as a mother, where I feel like I'm ready to take that step. So I have overcome my previous fears (of pumping and of Hudson not sleeping), but there's one fear that's still lingering...the thought of Hudson missing us.

I know I'm overthinking this. In fact, when Ryan and I talk about this weekend, he's not afraid of how Hudson will do, but rather afraid of how much he's going to miss Hudson. Sure, I'll miss him too, but I know that I need a break and am looking forward to things like nice dinners with adult conversation and quiet time to read on the beach without disruptions. At the same time, it breaks my heart to think of Hudson asking for me or Ryan and wondering where his Mommy and Daddy are. Even more heart wrenching is the thought of him wondering if we're coming back.

Hudson will be in great hands this weekend. I know that he's going to love spending time with his Mom Mom and Pop Pop. I know that he's going to be adored, loved, and, most likely, spoiled. That has made this weekend much more palatable. In fact, I hope that we come home and Hudson had so much fun that he didn't miss us at all. I know that would crush most parents, but it would provide me with so much relief to know that we were actually forgotten about for 3 days.

While I'm feeling a little sad and nervous about Hudson's reaction over this trip, I'm also excited and giddy about having but a snapshot of my previous life back. While I would never trade my title of "Mommy" in for anything, it's going to be wonderful to remember what it was like when that wasn't my only identity.