Getting older...

...and unfortunately, I'm talking about myself this time and not Hudson.

So, I turn 30 on Tuesday. The big 3-0. In just 4 more short days. I didn't really expect it to affect me as much as it is. I'm fully anticipating a Rachel Green birthday in the Friends episode titled "The one where they all turn thirty". Well, not so much the whole "being upset because I'm not married and I'm dating Tag who isn't cute at all", but more so the tears and the reassurance from friends.

I think most people are shocked when I tell them how much this is bothering me, but let me explain.....

See, after becoming a mom, I feel like I've lost myself. Or more adequately stated, I've become someone else. I used to be the girl who loved to get all dolled up in the newest and trendiest clothes and make-up, go out with friends, get drinks, and have a good time. It was a nice and selfish period. I did everything for myself and/or Ryan. Ever since Hudson arrived, that girl has disappeared and I miss her. Tremendously. This new girl is lucky if her hair is cut and her legs are shaved, let alone worried about if her clothes are in style. Heck, this new girl doesn't even know what types of clothes are in style. I feel like turning 30 will solidify that the old girl is gone forever.

The second reason I don't want to welcome this new decade is because, well, I LOVED my twenties. They were good to me. I was in college, having the time of my life. I turned 21. I moved across the country. I had my first real job. I bought my first car. I started grad school. I got engaged to my soulmate. I got married and had the wedding of my dreams. I traveled through Europe. I got pregnant. I had my first child. For most of my 20s, I was that old girl that I'm missing so much right now. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I celebrated so many firsts and milestones. I'm not ready to close that chapter of my life.

Turning 30 feels like the turning point of no longer being young and carefree, but rather being grown and responsible. Gone are the days of splurging on $200 jeans and staying out until 4am and here (to stay) are the days of paying mortgages and college funds. I'm having a hard time realizing the fun that is to come in this decade.

I admit, I feel silly even writing this stuff. I have a wonderful husband, a healthy son (and another on the way...well, maybe a daughter, but I think son), a loving family, amazing friends, and a beautiful home. I recognize all that I've been blessed with and don't mean to discount that at all. Maybe it's just the surge of pregnancy hormones or the fact that I have not slept for 8 straight hours in over two years (by the way, that's no exaggeration. There has not been one night that I've had uninterrupted sleep for 2+ years). Or maybe there is some justification in my feelings. Whatever it is, I hope that it takes it easy on me on Tuesday....

If you're 30, please leave me some comments about how great the decade is. I'm looking for some inspiration and hope.