Here I go

This post is just going to be a bunch of rambling because, well, I need to get some things off of my chest.

I have been completely MIA from my blog lately and it makes me really sad. I don't know what it is (although I am blaming pregnancy hormones), but I'm just unmotivated and uninspired to do my "Mommy keepsake duties". On Hudson's 2nd birthday, I sat on the couch after he went to bed, with my laptop, fully intending to write a nice post like I did on his first birthday. But the words just wouldn't come to me. I was having a hard time recalling the past year, struggling to write anything backed with emotion. So I gave up and haven't been back since. And now I'm here today to try to ease some of my guilt and hopefully blog forward.

One of my biggest fears in life (right under losing Ryan or Hudson) is regret. Sometimes it actually consumes me. It's what kept me going through all of the journals, keepsakes, pictures, etc of Hudson's life. But once I got pregnant, alot of that began to slip. I haven't been documenting what Hudson has been up to and I'm so afraid of regretting this in the future. I have very few videos of him. I stopped keeping up with his baby book sometime last spring. I can barely keep up with this blog. What's even worse, is that baby #2 has gotten an even worse deal. I don't think I've written in my pregnancy journal for about 3-4 months. Again, it saddens me so much to think about looking back to this time period and not having anything documented - from the superficial stuff like my weight gain (although I'm not sure I want to remember that!) to the emotional aspect of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy. Yet it's not enough to kick me in the butt and actually do it. I've found that what used to be enjoyable has now turned into a burden for me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the 1000 other things on my daily to do list. Whatever it is, I hope it leaves soon.

Sorry for the long rant. If you got this far, thanks for listening. I've been feeling a bit down about things lately (which is very odd since I have so many blessings in my life and everything is going really well). I'm just starting to panic about having two kids, worrying that Hudson's life is going to change so much. I was feeding him last night and just started to cry thinking about how much I'll miss all of our one-on-one time. Oh great, here come the waterworks again. I keep reminding myself that he's going to love being a big brother and that his life is only going to change for the better, but I just can't help but think there are going to be times that he's going to miss his alone time with Mommy and Daddy.

Okay, I'm a blubbering mess now. Hopefully writing this post is cathartic which was my goal. I thought maybe if I put this all out there, that I could move on and post something fun, like pics of Hudson's birthday or our last trip to Pittsburgh. These feelings have been weighing on me for a while now and I'm having a difficult time trying to process everything. Praying that things start to get better.