I Drool Black And Gold: December 2009

I've been itching to write this post for days now so that I can be sure to remember all of the details, but the chaos of the holidays and a new baby hasn't left me with much time to do much of anything. So, here it goes...this is everything that I can remember. (Warning: for those of you who know me, I like to tell stories with every detail possible, so you may want to take a minute, grab a drink, and kick your feet up because this is going to be a long one!)

Wednesday night, December 9th, was a nice evening. Joyce, our nanny, was off so I spent the day with Hudson. We went to Hoppin' Tots gym and then hung out at home. Ryan had a work dinner so we knew we wouldn't see him until late. It just so happened that one of my best friends from high school was in town for business, so Hudson and I had arranged to go to dinner with her and a coworker. Hudson was an angel for me all day and evening. He behaved at dinner and when we got home, he took a bath and went to bed with out too much of a fight. I set aside some time to do my Christmas cards after he was asleep. The night was flying by and when I looked at the clock, I realized it was 10:30p and I hadn't heard from Ryan. He had his work dinner at 6p and then was meeting up with a friend for a drink afterwards. I gave him a call, but it went right to voicemail. That's the ultimate fear of any worrywart like me...not being able to get in touch with my husband, especially while 9 months pregnant! So I told myself that I wouldn't panic until 11:30p if I didn't hear from him. Well, you guessed it - 11:30p rolls around and still no phone call. By now, Hudson had already woken up and I brought him to my bed to hopefully alleviate some of my fear. I just laid there and was thinking the worst - that something happened to Ryan. Why else would he not be home yet? Oh yeah, I should mention that he had to get up at 4a for work the next day so I knew that he wouldn't stay out too late. I'm already a worrier by nature, but then add to that the fact that we live in Baltimore where things like this happen (Zach Sowers was definitely on my mind as I was panicking), and I was a mess. I was trying to think about what I was going to do. I considered calling the restaurant where he was having dinner, but I was trying to not overreact. So I decided to send a text message to the wife of the friend he was meeting for drinks. I decided to just ask her if she's heard from her husband since I couldn't get in touch with Ryan. I waited to hear back from her, but I figured she may already be in bed. Next, I decided that I would put Hudson in the car and drive around Fells Point, looking for Ryan's car if I didn't hear from him by 12a. Well, 12a rolls around and I decide to call Ryan one more time.....and he answers! He said he was driving home and that his phone was dead (since he was in his car now he was able to charge it). I told him that I was worried like crazy and what would I have done if I had gone into labor?!?! Little did I know what was coming....

I laid in bed, furious. Ryan got home, brushed his teeth, and got into bed without saying anything and fell asleep. I decided that I should pee (again) before going to sleep even though I felt like I already had a little (lots of leaky fluids these days, so I wasn't surprised). I went to the bathroom and noticed that my underwear were a little wet. I didn't think much of it until after I peed and stood up and left another tiny leak. I walked downstairs to check my "things to watch for" sheet from the doctor and "Leaking fluids - trickles or gushes" was listed. So I decided to call labor and delivery, especially since I had a little leakage of mucus the day before. The doctor asked if I thought my water had broken and I honestly told her that I had no idea. Nothing was gushing (which I expected). She told me that it didn't have to gush, but that it could be a gradual, continual leak. So I told her that I wasn't coming in unless the leakage continued. I walked back upstairs and proceeded to change my underwear 3 or 4 more times before I decided that I was going to the hospital. Still angry, I woke Ryan up and told him that I was going to the hospital. He groggily nodded and went back to sleep. I started to get dressed and he asked what I was doing (talking to someone half asleep after they had been drinking was not something that I wanted to be doing). I told him (again) that I was going to the hospital. He stumbled out of bed to watch me brush my hair and get dressed. He hugged me and told me to call once I knew anything and that he was going to have the phone next to him. So I called my mom and his mom to give them the warning and off I went to Hopkins.

As I drove there, I had some time to myself to think. I was willing myself not to cry. Deep down, I knew 100% that this was it. But I kept forcing myself to say I was just going in to get checked to be safe and that I would be headed home soon. I turned on some Christmas music to take my mind off of these events. "Last Christmas" by Wham was just finishing and the next song was "Christmas Shoes". Obviously I turned off the radio and let my mind race. "Could this really be happening?!?" "I'm not ready!" "Why didn't Ryan seemed concerned - how was he able to just go back to sleep?" "Was I really driving myself to the hospital, alone?" I must have driven around the hospital about 5 times before I decided to park. I told myself that I was just looking for a good and safe parking spot (Hopkins is not in the best part of town and it was 1:30am), but I think I was really trying to compose myself and prepare for what the doctors were about to tell me.

After I gave the receptionist my information, she started to walk me back to my room. There was a family sitting in the waiting room and I could just feel their pitiful eyes on me. "Look at this poor girl, all alone, with just her purse and a beach towel to sit on" they said. I really started to feel sorry for myself. I got checked in and changed and looked at the clock. It was 1:45a. By 2:15a, a doctor came in to do an exam. He was an ER resident (not an OB) so his exam was downright cruel. It hurt so bad that I had a hard time holding myself together. He told me that there were 3 different tests to determine if in fact my water did break. The first two suggested that it did, but they were prone to false positives. The most conclusive was an examination of the fluid under the microscope. He left the room to do that and I asked him to hurry with results in case I needed to call my in-laws to drive down from NJ to be with Hudson so Ryan could make it to the hospital. At that point, despite the results not being known, I knew that I was in labor. I called Ryan to let him know that 1. I got to the hospital safely (seriously, this is not a great part of town) and 2. that I was most likely in labor. Since he was going to sleep with the phone next to him and since I assumed that he was anxiously awaiting to hear from me, I figured that he would answer quickly. Nope. After 28 rings he finally picked up and I exploded in tears. How could he be in such a deep sleep when he knew that I was headed to the hospital?!? I had a brief conversation with him and he was off to call his parents. I was off to cry.

At this point, I was an absolute emotional mess. I tried to hold myself together, but I just couldn't. I started to think about Hudson and how I didn't kiss him goodbye and have one last moment with just the two of us. I was thinking about being alone in the hospital. About the lack of enthusiasm I felt from my husband and how that made me so sad for baby #2. About how I wasn't ready for the baby. My nurse came in and asked if I was okay. I told her I was just really emotional and sad to be alone. She was a doll and stayed with me and talked to me to keep my mind off of things. She got me ready to move my my delivery room (room #8 - the same room I delivered Hudson in!). The doctors agreed to not start pitocin until Ryan arrived. Since I spoke to him around 2:45a, I estimated that his parents would be in town by 6a. So I just chatted with the nurse until he arrived.

When he walked in, I burst into tears once again. I explained everything that I was feeling. In addition to everything I listed, my nurse told me that no one under the age of 16 was allowed to visit due to H1N1 concerns. I didn't think anything of it at first...until I realized that Hudson fell into this category. He wouldn't be able to meet his brother or sister. I wouldn't see him for at least two days. And I didn't even kiss him goodbye! I was a mess. Poor Ryan didn't know what to do or say.

For the next few hours, I was okay if I just didn't let my mind wander too far. I was given my pitocin at 8:45am. Things didn't really progress until about 12p. I started to feel the contractions. Learning from my last delivery, I knew that I shouldn't wait until they were really painful to ask for the epidural (since it takes a while for the doctors to administer it). So I asked for it. They told me that Ryan was going to have to leave the room since they've had many dads passing out during the epidural insertion. I have this weird phobia about my spine being touched, so I really wanted him there, but they wouldn't allow it. I sat up to prepare for the epidural and got really light headed. I began to get muffled hearing, so I knew I was going to pass out. They had me lay down and the anesthesiologist left the room (apparently she was upset that her patient wasn't actually ready). I'm trying to tell myself to hold it together because I needed the pain meds! I told them that I was ready to try again, but they were worried since my blood pressure was so low (88 over 55). The epidural also dilates the blood vessels and thus drops the blood pressure even more. They waited a while (as my pain was getting worse) and finally attempted the epidural again. As they were prepping my back, I got an awful contraction and the blood pressure cuff was tightening around my arm. I was getting light headed again, but willed myself to be strong since I need the meds! Finally the epi was in and Ryan was back in the room!

Because they were worried about the drop in blood pressure, they decided to administer the pain medication very slowly which meant I still had lots of pain, particularly on the lower left side. I was on a temporary drip of medication until they ensured that my blood pressure was safe. Just as this began to wear off, our moms arrived around 3pm. I was resting, unable to really move or talk. Ryan has some great footage of me just bundled up, still and silent. I felt like I could pass out if I moved, so I just stayed in one spot. During this time, Ryan and our moms tried to name our child after a Steeler in honor of that night's game against the Browns (this is on the video).

I finally began to feel better and was able to sit up and start talking around 4pm. The nurses asked if I had pressure and I did, but it was way up high in my ribs. We guessed that baby was kicking his/her way out :) The nurses checked me and the baby's head was at +3. They asked if I wanted to start to push and I said sure. I wasn't feeling pain, so why not? We did 3 counts of 10 breaths and the nurse told me to stop. The baby was coming! They had to call Dr. Wheeler and another doctor in. The docs prepped their table and got their scrubs on. They had me push for another 4 or 5 sets of 10 breaths. At 4:45p, as the baby came out, they held the legs closed and gave Ryan the scissors to cut the cord. Then they handed baby to me so that I could hold him/her up and shout out boy or girl. As the baby is handed to me, I'm fully expecting to see a penis. Instead I see...well...I didn't know what I saw. I couldn't tell if it was a scrotum or a swollen labia! So I hestiated for a second until I realized that there was no penis. A GIRL!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Everyone was in shock. Our moms burst into tears (there are zero girls in Ryan's family, so this was a big deal). They placed her on my chest and we had the best skin-to-skin bonding. She began to nurse. It was wonderful. The nurses said that they like to give the mom and baby as much skin-to-skin time as possible before taking measurements and doing the bath. So, for an hour, we all sat there amazed that we had our little girl. She looked little and we all made guess as to her weight and length. While she seemed little to me, I was trying to think back to Hudson (who was 7 pounds, 7 ounces) and I thought she was similar, so I guessed 7 pounds, 2 ounces. I was wrong! She was 6 pounds, 3 ounces and 18" long....where did this little peanut come from?!?

As for me, I was feeling GREAT! I only pushed for 11 minutes (although close to 5 of those minutes were spent waiting for the doctors to do their prep). I had no tearing. It was amazing how different that was compared to Hudson's birth. I was able to move around with no problems.

We moved to my recovery room (room 372) and Ryan and I were just head over heels. We were still in so much shock over having a little girl. I know I've stated this before, but I was convinced that I was having a boy because:
-According to the Shettles method, the baby was conceived on an ovulation day that would predict boy
-My pregnancy was very similar to my first
-My belly looked the same as it did with Hudson
-Similar weight gain (50 lbs with Hudson, 54 this time)
-There are no girls in Ryan's family
-Lastly, I convinced myself it was a boy so that I wouldn't get my hopes up of a girl
(Some other random similarities between the pregnancies, unrelated to the sex, were that the weekend before both kids were born is when I decided to bake tons of cookies and that both kids were born right after/during a Steeler/Browns game. Looks like I have some signs to look for in case we have another one!).

While we had a boy's name picked out (Tyson Miller), we only had a list of girl names that we hadn't decided on. The list included:
Harper
Hadley
Harlow
Kensington (Kensi)
London

In early September, we fell in love with the name London and were sure that we would use it if we had a girl. But as I became more convinced of having a boy, we didn't really talk about it much more. Now, it didn't have the same appeal. Hadley just sounded right. As for a middle name, Grace just came out of no where. We never mentioned middle names before we were in the hospital. I was walking out of the bathroom while Ryan was holding the baby and we talked about using Ann (since it's both of our moms' middle name). I kept saying it over and over and it just didn't flow. All of a sudden, I was like, what about Grace? I liked the way it sounded and I also liked that it serves as a reminder of God's grace in our little girl. And so, Hadley Grace was it!

And if that novel wasn't enough, here's a little video that Ryan created of Hadley's entrance into the world. (Despite my appearance on this video, I'm posting for Hadley's sake. The announcement of her being a girl is the best part - I was CLEARLY surprised!)

This post is just going to be a bunch of rambling because, well, I need to get some things off of my chest.

I have been completely MIA from my blog lately and it makes me really sad. I don't know what it is (although I am blaming pregnancy hormones), but I'm just unmotivated and uninspired to do my "Mommy keepsake duties". On Hudson's 2nd birthday, I sat on the couch after he went to bed, with my laptop, fully intending to write a nice post like I did on his first birthday. But the words just wouldn't come to me. I was having a hard time recalling the past year, struggling to write anything backed with emotion. So I gave up and haven't been back since. And now I'm here today to try to ease some of my guilt and hopefully blog forward.

One of my biggest fears in life (right under losing Ryan or Hudson) is regret. Sometimes it actually consumes me. It's what kept me going through all of the journals, keepsakes, pictures, etc of Hudson's life. But once I got pregnant, alot of that began to slip. I haven't been documenting what Hudson has been up to and I'm so afraid of regretting this in the future. I have very few videos of him. I stopped keeping up with his baby book sometime last spring. I can barely keep up with this blog. What's even worse, is that baby #2 has gotten an even worse deal. I don't think I've written in my pregnancy journal for about 3-4 months. Again, it saddens me so much to think about looking back to this time period and not having anything documented - from the superficial stuff like my weight gain (although I'm not sure I want to remember that!) to the emotional aspect of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy. Yet it's not enough to kick me in the butt and actually do it. I've found that what used to be enjoyable has now turned into a burden for me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the 1000 other things on my daily to do list. Whatever it is, I hope it leaves soon.

Sorry for the long rant. If you got this far, thanks for listening. I've been feeling a bit down about things lately (which is very odd since I have so many blessings in my life and everything is going really well). I'm just starting to panic about having two kids, worrying that Hudson's life is going to change so much. I was feeding him last night and just started to cry thinking about how much I'll miss all of our one-on-one time. Oh great, here come the waterworks again. I keep reminding myself that he's going to love being a big brother and that his life is only going to change for the better, but I just can't help but think there are going to be times that he's going to miss his alone time with Mommy and Daddy.

Okay, I'm a blubbering mess now. Hopefully writing this post is cathartic which was my goal. I thought maybe if I put this all out there, that I could move on and post something fun, like pics of Hudson's birthday or our last trip to Pittsburgh. These feelings have been weighing on me for a while now and I'm having a difficult time trying to process everything. Praying that things start to get better.

I Drool Black And Gold

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Let it snow!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Expectations

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The story of Hadley Grace

Friday, December 4, 2009

Here I go

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