After Hudson arrived, I realized that there were so many things that no one tells you about motherhood. Many of these things are just errors of omission, like how you can NEVER throw bibs (with velcro) in with your other laundry unless you want to snag every last article of clothing in the washer. Others are just indescribable, left to be experienced first hand by each mother, like the amount of love and protection you have for your child. Late one night while we were in NJ, Hudson was having another sleepless night (big surprise) and as I was walking him around the bedroom to lull him back to sleep, I began to revisit these thoughts. But this time, I was thinking about the things that no one tells you about your second pregnancy.
I LOVED being pregnant with Hudson. Sure, I wasn't so fond of the heartburn, but otherwise, it was pure bliss. I adored my big belly. I welcomed 50 pounds onto my body with open arms (when my prior attitude was to groan at gaining 2 pounds). I cherished every little kick and movement that I felt from within. I could sit there for hours just watching my stomach wave and roll, amazed by the life that was growing inside of me. I dutifully recorded every stage of pregnancy through weekly belly pictures and multiple letters to Hudson in a journal. So, it's easy to imagine how excited I was about being pregnant again. Once Hudson turned 1, we decided that it was time to start trying for baby #2 and I was giddy with anticipation of another pregnancy. The problem is that no one told me how different it was going be. So for all of you mommies thinking about #2, let me fill you in on some of the changes....
1. This has been the hardest of all of the differences between pregnancy to deal with....I'm not as connected to this baby as I was to Hudson. When people ask if the baby is kicking alot, I just kinda shrug and say "yeah, I feel him* now and then". With Hudson, I could tell you how many kicks I felt in any given timeframe. When people ask how far along I am, I have to think and even then I'm still not sure that I know. With Hudson, I was constantly reminded of how many weeks I was since I was always getting weekly emails and reading books about each week of my pregnancy. My pregnancy with Hudson seemed to drag on, which left me ample time to bond with my growing baby. This pregnancy is going so quickly that I barely have had a minute to think about it. I feel like my relationship with baby #2 is already less formed than it was with Hudson.
2. Remember that maternal guilt I discussed in
this post? Well, it has begun in utero this time around. I'm constantly feeling down on my self for all of my "shortcomings" with this pregnancy. I put shortcomings in quotes because these things would only be considered so by a perfectionist. I haven't really kept a baby book. I have barely taken any belly pictures. I don't read to this baby. I rarely use Thumper (which is this gimmicky baby learning system that I attached to my stomach for two hours each day and it plays thumping noises. With Hudson, I religiously attached that machine to my big belly each morning and each night. In fact, we went to a Steelers game in DC while I was pregnant with Hudson and I even brought Thumper with me so that I could wear it during the hour ride home). I focus so much of my time on Hudson that my bonding time with this baby is getting the short end of the stick. As I mentioned in point #1, I don't really feel bonded to this baby. Talk about feeling guilty!
3. I'm so lax about everything. Not just the baby book, belly pictures, and Thumper, but also with my health. During my pregnancy with Hudson, I worked out up until the day I delivered (literally, I had my workout clothes with me to go to the gym and I ended up going to labor and delivery instead!). I knew the ins and outs of every thing I was or wasn't supposed to eat. This pregnancy I can't even remember what those things are! Despite my fears of nitrates in lunch meats with pregnancy #1, I've found myself eating large quantities of turkey breast and salami (in fact, that was all I could tolerate during my first trimester) this time around. I have had multiple sips of wine and/or alcohol. I don't even ask if cheeses are pasteurized or if the caesar dressing is made with raw eggs this pregnancy. I don't read books to this baby (I mean, he hears me when I read to Hudson, right?). Ryan has also fallen victim to this lackadaisical parent syndrome. I don't think he's actually spoken to this baby, let alone read him stories and tell him how much he loves him
To ease my fears about how much of a disadvantage this baby is at compared to Hudson, I tried to create a list of advantages for this baby as I wondered around the dark room waiting for Hudson to fall back to sleep.
1. This baby will have "experienced" parents. I kept going back and forth about whether this was actually good or bad. I mean, on one hand Ryan and I should know what we're doing by now and learned from any mistakes we made with Hudson. But on the other hand, some of those "mistakes" may have actually been beneficial for Hudson. Like how we never let him cry himself to sleep. We see it as a mistake now since Hudson requires us to sit there with him each night and possibly hold him. But maybe this was a bonding experience that we could possibly neglect baby #2 of. The jury is still out on whether this is advantageous, but I keep telling myself that we have had to learn
something in these past 2 years that will help baby #2! The one thing that I keep coming back to is breastfeeding. After 19 months, I should be a seasoned pro and a great teacher for my new little one.
2. The aforementioned tasks of recording everything in a journal, taking belly pictures, etc. has to come at cost....stress. This baby will not be exposed to the anxiety over whether or not that feta I just ate was pasteurized.
3. Probably the most important thing is that that this baby has another person who is going to love him like no one else can....his big brother.
*Since I think this baby is a boy, I'm going to use the masculine pronoun thoughout this post. But believe me, I don't know anything about this baby's gender!
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