Lemonade from lemons

This blog post has been writing itself all day.  In fact, it started in the wee hours of the night.  Hayes has been rather fussy and battling a fever.  He and I had a series of 45 minute naps all night until 4:30a when we crashed for two hours (finally).  Ryan woke me at 6:30a to say goodbye as he was headed to a conference in San Francisco (I had already been uneasy about this - a direct Tuesday morning flight from Newark to SFO was all too reminiscent of another flight that set out on that route 12 years ago).  I heard him close our front door and within 5 seconds heard Hadley calling for Daddy from her bed.  By the time I opened my eyes, I saw Hudson walking up the stairs into my room.  Rise and shine.

We managed to get through breakfast and the rest of the morning routine pretty smoothly.  I walked the kids to school and made it on time.  The day is already a success.
 
I had plans to get coffee with a new friend in Jersey City.  Her son is good friends with Hudson and we have gone out a few times for coffee (yay for new friends!).  I really enjoy chatting with her and having adult conversations, even if we're somewhat distracted by wrangling our little ones.  I called the pediatrician to schedule a visit for Hayes given his state overnight.  The only available time was right smack in the middle of our coffee date.  Looks like that would need to get rescheduled.

I get Hayes in the car to get to the doctor and realize that the last time I gave him Motrin was 3a. At 11:30a, it had worn off and I could tell his fever was spiking again.  We get to the doctor and find out that his fever is 103.  The doc checks his ears and, at first glance, says they looked clear.  She decided to look in the left one again and realized that it was red, thus diagnosing him with an ear infection.  For some reason, his first ear infection, especially before he was a year old, made me feel like somewhat of a failure.  It's easy to get lax by the third child, much less vigilant of keeping their hands and toys free of germs.  So, I feel responsible for not doing a better job of protecting him.  I also learned that pediatricians aren't automatically prescribing antibiotics for ear infections so her advice was to monitor for 48 hours.  That will take me right through my days of single parenting.  Fantastic.

We get home and Hayes sleeps on my chest all day.  Lethargic and unable to sleep comfortably in his crib, I accept that I will spend my day snuggling him.  My stomach and bladder were unhappy with that setup as it meant no lunch and no bathroom trips. 

I go to pick Hadley up at school for her dentist appointment.  Hayes seemed much better after his Motrin, nap, and some lunch.  I had a great car ride conversation with Hadley.  She told me that she was learning about Beethoven in school and he was a great musician, but he had crazy grey hair and didn't sing the words to his songs.  Love this girl :)

We get to the dentist and Hadley is a perfect angel.  The dentist, who was gorgeous and looked to be a good 10 years younger than me, was cleaning her teeth and found a small cavity.  Oh no! Once again, I failed one of my children.  I felt just awful.  During her surge of independence, Hadley has often been asking to brush herself without our help.  We get so caught up in all of the other routines that accompany teeth brushing in both the morning and night that we relish in the fact that she has taken a responsibility away from us.   Only to learn we probably shouldn't have handed this over to her so quickly.  The dentist said it was so small and that she could fill it right then. The dentist and the hygienist were wonderful with Hadley, but it was my sunshine who was the star of the show.  She sat there and did every thing they asked of her without even batting an eye.  They kept mumbling to one another how well she was doing.  At the end, the dentist looked at me and said "She is probably the best 3 year old patient I had.  Not just today, not in my past, but probably in my future too." I thanked her for the kind words and said that Hadley was a really good girl.  Do you know what the dentist said to me? She said "it's a sign of what a good mother you are".  Wow.  I needed to hear that.  Especially today. Thank you.

We left the dentist to pick up Hudson from school.  In place of our coffee date, my friend and I decided to get the kids together after school.  It was poor planning on my part.  Hayes was getting hungry and fussy, it was getting close to dinner, it was brisk outside, Hudson wasn't listening (just being silly with his friend). I ended the play date short to get the kids home and get dinner.

A few hours later, I go to pack the kids lunches and can't find Hudson's lunchbox.  I immediately know where it is...still at the park we played at after school.  I couldn't fathom taking all three kids back out in the dark.  I thought about asking a neighbor to watch the kids, but there's no one that I'm that comfortable with (Baltimore, I miss you).  I thought about asking the friend we playing with if she would mind running out to look for the lunchbox since I knew she had help at home.  In the end, I couldn't ask for help (this is a problem of mine), so I strapped Hayes in the Ergo, put the other two in the stroller with a blanket and set out with a flashlight in hand. The lunchbox wasn't where we left it, but after a few rounds of walking through the park, we found the box and its contents (in different places). 

Feeling a strange mix of defeat (for all the challenges presented today) and pride (for how I responded), I walked the kids home and talked to them about how I needed them to listen when we got home and get ready for bed.  Maybe it was my exasperated expression I wore on my face or maybe it was our little pep talk, but amazingly, the kids listened.  They got ready for bed without a hitch.  The four of us were sitting on Hadley's bed and Hudson says "we should have a family snuggle". And we did.

I sat back thinking about today and realized how easy it is to get caught up in how disappointed I could have been.  First ear infection, first cavity, no parenting help, failed play date, lost lunch box, cold dinner at 9p, etc.  But as I thought back, so many of the positives outshone the negatives. The dentist's comments to me, Hadley's amazing behavior, Hayes having only a minor health issue, Hudson's affection, Hadley's conversations, Ryan's safe arrival in SF.  After readjusting my focus I was able to look back on today and think "Wow, I'm pretty amazing and life is good."

#lemonade
#adaywithoutadultconversationleadstonovelsforblogposts

"Home" sick

"You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.”

It's been 10 months and my heart still aches for Baltimore. It's funny because I would have never thought I would become so attached to that city. I mean, this is the town that is home to the Ravens. That alone has always made me feel a bit of a disconnect from the city - what can I say. It's in my blood. I truly think my blood runs black and gold. I despise the Ravens. And most of their fans. I know they would complain about "obnoxious Steeler fans" as well, but I've always been a courteous fan (well, except when I wear my "Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was shot" shirt. Because that's just awesome). However I've had a few unprompted run ins. Like the night when I was at book club and a woman well into her 70s wanted to dish it (calling Ben a rapist) but couldn't take it (as I rebutted with questions about Ray Lewis's innocence). Or maybe it was the night that I argued the merits of Ben vs. Kyle Boller (we see how that comparison panned out) with man who then decided a physical altercation was the best way to solve our dilemma. I digress... Football is threaded in my skin, flowing through my veins. I say all of this to highlight why I didn't think the city of Baltimore would have an impact on me. I was a Pittsburgh girl at heart, just stopping in Baltimore along the way to a PhD. So you can imagine my surprise with the hole that Baltimore has left in my heart. 9 years, one husband, three babies, one PhD later. Charm City isn't just a physical location. It's the keeper of my memories from some of the most important years of my life. I find myself reminiscing many nights when I run out alone to go to the store or to pick up dinner. As I walk the streets of Jersey City I'm blindsided with the sadness that I feel thinking back to our first home as a family. 

We had a really special neighborhood.  We lived in a little suburb within the city where all of our neighbors were friends.  We all seemed to be in the same spot in life, having similar interests, and maybe even more importantly, similarly-aged children.  Coming home from work each day, you knew you could pull into your garage, walk in the house to get the kids, and walk right back out into our alleyway to join everyone playing baseball (kids) or having a glass of wine (adults) while someone ordered pizza for the kids and someone else ran inside to cut up some fruit for them.  Or, when a tropical storm threatens, you can have a "storm soiree" and this is what your living room would look like: 

(Looking at this picture just makes me smile.  It's from August 2011 so our little ones look like babies here).  

We are starting to plan Hudson's birthday party.  When asked who he wants to invite, he named his friends from Baltimore.  Hadley often stops and asks if I remember "when we used to do that in Baltimore".  Every night in their prayers, we pray for all of our friends and teachers in Baltimore.  Part of me wants to keep talking about it so that they don't forget the memories.

In addition to these adorable kids, Ryan and I made lifelong friends. As you get older, making friends proves to be much harder than it was in your 20s.  Once you have a family, it's even harder.  Where do you meet people? How do you find the time to connect? Our neighborhood created a setting where those friendships could flourish organically.  When your kids are out playing in limited space, you get to know people.  You chat.  You schedule playdates. You drink.  You put the kids to bed.  You drink more.  And then repeat.  When I was pregnant with Hayes, Ryan was working in NYC and often getting home at 8p or staying over night.  On numerous occasions, my neighbors would take Hudson and Hadley, get them dinner, give them a bath, take them out for ice cream, or just take them outside to play.  All just to help me.  Having a support system like that is pretty incredible.

Our send-off party

There are big things I miss.  I miss my job.  I miss my friends.  I miss City Limits. Then there's also a lot of little joys that I miss.  I miss relaxing while watching football in bed (did I mention football again?? Seriously, I have a problem).  I miss making waffles with the kids on Sunday morning in our kitchen.  I miss watching Ryan and Hudson from the kitchen window, playing football in the grassy area out front (aka The Cage).  I miss snuggling on our couch in the glow of our Christmas tree lights.  I miss our traditions. There's an empty pit in my stomach when I think about these memories. A friend told me that I need to live through all four seasons in our new home before I can start to let go and now I see why.  I need to unravel the joy of these memories from the physical space. I need to recreate these moments in a new space.  With new friends.  And new traditions.

I know that it will continue to get easier.  For all of us. The sadness will fade. But right now, 10 months later, it's still pretty raw.

#aBaltimorelovestory

A blog identity

I've been thinking about how to use this blog for a few days now.  I wrote a long blog post on my iPhone that I haven't yet transferred for editing.  The post really has nothing to do with parenting, which made me think of about this blog's identity.  In the past, this was a way of sharing things like photos of the kids with family (which is a task now managed by Facebook) or posting recipes so I didn't forget them (thanks to Pinterest, I no longer need to do this).  I also was thinking about who will be reading this.  Other than my mom (Hi Mom!), I have no idea who my little blog my attract.  So, I've concluded that this blog will serve to be a place for me to vent, to celebrate, to mourn, and hopefully discuss (via comments) all of the things life throws at me.  Most of that will pertain to parenting, but other topics will likely come up. In other words, I've decided that I'm writing this blog for me and not for anyone else.

#timetobealittleselfish
#you'vebeenwarned